tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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