So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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