i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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