to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
