I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
