So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
