At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
