The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
