just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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