Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
