Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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