first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i out mim tonsoeep
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