So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize