i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
