I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Reggie can tackle my bush.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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