I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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