Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
