I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
