I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
