Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
