2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Mom said you looked used
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
