Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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