so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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