Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
