I can tuck mytits in my pants
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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