I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pants are for mortals
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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