dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
