btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize