i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
