my phone needs a breathalizer
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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