Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
