Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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