I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
