Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
