Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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