hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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