weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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