I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
