apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
