Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
