I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
