I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
