You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
