Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
