Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
