You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
