I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize