i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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