I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
