We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
