my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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