everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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