I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
