I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
