I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
