after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
